Is that fall I feel?

So per my last post about negativity and my own personal realization that with a new job, life stressors and constant adjustments I need to make a conscious effort to enjoy the small things I am spending my crisp Saturday morning waking up slow, drinking a large cup of strong coffee and enjoying the gray turned pink sky that the sunrise is providing for me.  The sunrises this week have been spectacular, of course I never snapped a picture…I need to work on that, and I have been able to spend an additional few minutes each commute enjoying the sunrise as a bridge in Louisville has been shut down this week for repairs!  Let me explain further… I live by the Ohio River and almost EVERYTHING in my life (i.e. church, shopping, work) involves crossing one of the limited number of Ohio River bridges.  This closure has definitely left a kink in everyone’s travel plans but at least God gave us some pretty sunsets, right? 

I rarely take my time on Saturday morning.  I tend to overbook myself, I actually tend to overbook my overbooking and while I can admit that I have a long To Do list that I am hiding from I decided that today needed to be started slowly.  These first few days of fall-like weather are some of my favorite for the year.  The cool, crisp mornings and evenings and the crunch of fallen leaves under my feet provide calm from the summer chaos and require a moment of reflection.  How is it already mid-September?  2011 has definitely been a year of changes, adventures and life lessons.  Living in Indy with Harlowe Rose for 6 months, graduating from graduate school, getting my first “big girl” job and loving what I am doing.  God is good. 

Okay… so maybe my To Do list is calling but before I sign off I hope that you can have a beautiful Saturday morning…even if your weather is not yet crisp or cool. 

possibly a bit too much?

I sat down to write today several times and worried that my brain may just be a bit too much.  My thoughts felt too big but to begin to understand them myself I am now posting some of the writing I used to simply hide in my Word files. I think that part of my reluctance to post throughout the summer is that I spent a lot of time deep in thought….the kind of thoughts that I was not sure if I should share.  Some were hard, some were challenging, some scared me and I was not sure if others would want to hear them.  The fact remains that despite my reluctance, fear or hesitation they are mine and my decision to blog in the first place was to have a place to write out the scramble of thoughts in my head. 

One of the reasons that I decided to revisit blogging despite my chaotic thoughts was a post from a friend’s blog which quoted Hemingway.  The quote was "There is nothing to writing, all you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."  Bleed.  Bleeding is such a truthful act.  It is difficult to hide and it is an honest way for one’s body to say I am hurting.  How many times are we hurting and we refuse to be honest about it? 

This post is going to now contradict itself.  Here is my conundrum.  I have found that people are negative at times.  I am guilty of this “easy” negativity myself.  How many times a day do we focus on the bad before even considering the good?  I hate traffic.  It is too hot, too cold, too humid, too rainy, I hate my job, I hate my car, I hate my phone.  Is there a winning life phase?  Why are we conditioned to jump to the negative?  I say this is a contradiction because on the one hand I am saying we need to realize our hurts and on the other I am saying we need to seize the good in life.  You see, I see a difference in truly hurting and simply being negative.  I also feel as though our focus on the negative works against our hurts and makes us feel as though we are to only complain about the superficial.  The things that society would agree with as negatives but what would happen if someone said I am hurting.  I am lonely. I need support.  When you ask me if I am fine, I don’t believe you want an answer.  I feel lost?  So we are negative, yet we don’t want to focus on the important elements of hurt.  The bleeding that if healed could become a positive.

I do not say any of this to condemn.  I do not say any of this to look as though I am the one caring person in this world who is always optimistic and would never think of putting my own needs first because I will be honest in saying that I am selfish at times.  I cover up my feelings with “socially acceptable” answers and I can be negative.  I say this because this conversation has been a nagging thought in my head that I am beginning to let out.  It is interesting to think of a world where we care for those around us more than the latest episode of that new reality show (not judging…I love them too) or the newest upgrade of cell phone.  What would happen if a person’s bleeding was not easily hidden and we realized the wounds we are carrying around with us?  Would we care or would we be upset that people were staining the carpet? 

Just a thought… hopefully tomorrow’s post will be sunshinier (yes, that is a word). 

An Accidental Summer Vacation

So summer turned out to be an unintentional hiatus from blogging.  When I started this blog I had every intention to blog several times per week but it turns out that when life gets busy my inspiration gets smaller or at least it becomes a lower priority on my ever growing “to do” list.  As I reflected today on the last year and the last ten years as the news and most social media reflect the anniversary of an American tragedy I realized that I missed the cathartic experience of writing.  I do not like the loss of priority to my blogging adventure and therefore I will rededicate myself to being accountable to inspiration and taking the time to write those inspirations as they come.

Truth be told, my brain is being stretched in ways that I did not even know existed.  I graduated my counseling program in May and began working as a child and family therapist in July.  Sometimes I am speechless at the fact that seven years ago I was beginning college as a freshman with nerves, hopes and dreams of becoming an elementary school teacher and I can vividly remember the semester as I sat in Psych 101 and realized that I wanted to be a therapist.  I loved the science, the research and as I now refer to it the science of compassion.  I am fascinated by people and behavior.  Why do we do what we do?  Why do we feel how we feel?  What can I do to help?  These questions motivate me past the nerves of freshman year to transferring to a different university, declaring a new major, graduating undergrad, being the “new kid” again as I began graduate school and finally walking across that stage to accept my masters degree! 

Now I am again the new kid with new nerves and feelings of inadequacy but as I do I have the confidence of knowing that I am in the “right” career and that I am passionate about what I do.  It is invigorating and fear inducing all in the same moment but it also has left me with less free time and more headaches than ever before.

Clearly, excuses can be made but the truth is…this summer just got away from me.  It was a summer of small adventures, exit exams, licensure requirements, play dates with Harlowe, travels, concerts, birthdays and memories of which I hope to fill you in but for now I will simply say that I am back up and running!